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survival tips for family gatherings
 
SURVIVAL TIPS FOR FAMILY GATHERINGS
 
Well, it’s official.  We’re in the Holidays. And here’s another ‘How to Survive the Holidays’ blog. Go ahead – scream! Yet, maybe, this one can encourage you.
 
This is not about grieving through Christmas, or how to deal with all the broken relationships. No. I would rather tackle the traditions of Christmas. So go ahead and scream again.
 
In a non-scientific poll, I asked people what they thought about how to cope through the three sacred festivals (Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter). Here are a few comments that came up:

  • Power through it
  • Remain calm at all times
  • At least I get a free meal
  • Accept it and carry on
  • Drink just enough to get you there and just enough so you can stay
  • And, last but not least, have a designated driver so you can leave.
 
The last is my favorite. The designated driver, that is.
 
It also dawned on me that two of these holidays are supposed to be sacred, and I didn’t get one sacred comment on how to manage the holidays, such as “pray before you go”, etc.
 
So then, how do we cope with traditions and culture which seem to be practiced but not understood? Here are some thoughts.

  1. Have a clear vision.

This applies well to families. Identify clearly what you are looking for. Write it out, or at least tell someone. I had a family share that the best Christmas dinner they ever had was hot dogs. Yup.  On Christmas morning, they piled onto some snow machines, went out for at least an hour, made a camp fire, had lunch and came home. I asked why. They said they wanted to do something different for Christmas as a family and they had a great time. The vision statement was short, descriptive, and obtainable.

  1. Talk about it.

That’s where the excitement about the event comes from. Talking is not so much about what to bring but rather what your vision of the event is. If that is not talked about, then people don’t know how to contribute and are left guessing. And guessing leads to misunderstanding and well - you can see where this can go. Here’s a personal example of how my family and I have planned our Christmas this year. We had some family members come over to our home recently, and we started talking about memories from Christmases past. One memory in particular was brought up and fondly remembered by all of us there. Soon we had a vision for this year’s family gathering. All those in attendance offered their services and wanted to contribute to the event. We had a vision statement, people were offering to contribute and participate. No one, however, offered to bring food! Yet this is one Christmas gathering I am now looking forward to.

  1. Plan
     
    Once the vision is clear and the talking has started, planning helps. Tradition will tell you what to bring and how to react. This can lead to last year’s leftovers. Here’s what I mean by planning. Remember - nothing just happens. You, the host or hostess, want everyone to eat together. That is the vision. You have shared it and are now planning it.  But here’s the problem. Every family has someone who always comes late so instead of letting it get to you and frustrate you, plan for it. State the vision, talk about it, and plan for it.  Tell your people supper is at 5 p.m. when you really want to start at 6 p.m. Plan an activity from 5 to 6 (Google has many ideas). Then, when the latecomers show up at 5:30, everyone is having fun. They can jump in and dinner is served as planned for at 6:00. If they are still late, stick to your plan. I haven’t yet been at a family dinner where we ran out of food.
     
    If none of this helps and if all things fail in your holiday plans, find a quiet place to be by yourself and take a moment to remember good memories rather than the problems which can come up when families get together.  

Have a great Christmas!
 


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9/6/2016

developing support for change

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HOW TO DEVELOP SUPPORT FOR CHANGE
People come in for counselling for one primary reason - to deal with an issue. This is an over simplification, yet at the base level this is the case. Healing needs to take place and that requires some sort of change. The challenge comes when there is limited or no support for that change.
THE PRINCIPLE OF THIRDS
The Principle of Thirds is a principle which helps us see where our energy is going and the steps we need to take to bring about healthy living.
 
    
    

 
Here’s how it works:
 
Take four cups.
Place three of them in front of you.
Now go and fill the fourth cup with water (This is represented by the cloud in the figure above.)
Now label the three cups:  The middle one is you. The right one is labelled “those who help me grow”. The left one is labelled “those I give to”.
 Now take the water. Pour ¾ into the cup to your left and ¼ into the right cup.
The water symbolizes all the people who come into your life. There are those who challenge you. The other group are those you give to or that you help.
Now take the cup which is labelled “those I give to” and put it in the freezer. When that cup is frozen, bring it out and place it in front of you.
Now take all four cups. The left cup is frozen, the second cup is the one that is labelled “you”, the third cup is a quarter full and is labelled “those who challenge you”. The fourth cup is very important.  Turn it upside down and allow it to be a stand for the third cup.
Here is the lesson. Look at your cup. It’s empty. That symbolizes your need, i.e. you’re thirsty. Try pouring some frozen water into your cup. Notice what happens … nothing. Let that sink in. All the people you have helped and that are in need - not one of them can help you. If this continues, you will dry up completely.
Now go to the cup on the right and pour what water there is into your cup. Observe what is happening. You have some water. This means you are not going to dry up. There is hope. Change is happening. These people you have invested in are there for you.
When my wife and I lost our son, Matthew, we noticed that a lot of people were not there for us who we were certain would be. They obviously were in the frozen cup. But then there were those who we never thought would come alongside us, but to our surprise, they did. They were in the right cup.
In order for healing and change to take place, we need to put more energy and effort into the right cup. Now notice that the right cup is on a pedestal. This symbolizes the effort it takes to put into these relationships.
If you apply this Principle of Thirds, you will notice some of the people in the “frozen” cup will come and meet you halfway and there can be some good relationships resulting from that. You will also notice that you will help fewer people and begin to recognize where you can make a difference. Lastly, you will be happier as you put more energy into the third cup - those who challenge you.
Give it a try. It really does work.


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    About the Author

    ​My name is Peter Hall.  I've been involved in counselling for over 40 years and recently launched Safe Place To Grow to meet the needs of my clients.  There are two things you should now about me;  I am passionate about helping people, and I hate computers.

    I am going to be posting stories from time to time that speak to some of the challenges that my clients or I have faced over the years in the hope that sharing them will help you or help someone in your life. 

    Please feel free to share these posts. 

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