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survival tips for family gatherings
 
SURVIVAL TIPS FOR FAMILY GATHERINGS
 
Well, it’s official.  We’re in the Holidays. And here’s another ‘How to Survive the Holidays’ blog. Go ahead – scream! Yet, maybe, this one can encourage you.
 
This is not about grieving through Christmas, or how to deal with all the broken relationships. No. I would rather tackle the traditions of Christmas. So go ahead and scream again.
 
In a non-scientific poll, I asked people what they thought about how to cope through the three sacred festivals (Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter). Here are a few comments that came up:

  • Power through it
  • Remain calm at all times
  • At least I get a free meal
  • Accept it and carry on
  • Drink just enough to get you there and just enough so you can stay
  • And, last but not least, have a designated driver so you can leave.
 
The last is my favorite. The designated driver, that is.
 
It also dawned on me that two of these holidays are supposed to be sacred, and I didn’t get one sacred comment on how to manage the holidays, such as “pray before you go”, etc.
 
So then, how do we cope with traditions and culture which seem to be practiced but not understood? Here are some thoughts.

  1. Have a clear vision.

This applies well to families. Identify clearly what you are looking for. Write it out, or at least tell someone. I had a family share that the best Christmas dinner they ever had was hot dogs. Yup.  On Christmas morning, they piled onto some snow machines, went out for at least an hour, made a camp fire, had lunch and came home. I asked why. They said they wanted to do something different for Christmas as a family and they had a great time. The vision statement was short, descriptive, and obtainable.

  1. Talk about it.

That’s where the excitement about the event comes from. Talking is not so much about what to bring but rather what your vision of the event is. If that is not talked about, then people don’t know how to contribute and are left guessing. And guessing leads to misunderstanding and well - you can see where this can go. Here’s a personal example of how my family and I have planned our Christmas this year. We had some family members come over to our home recently, and we started talking about memories from Christmases past. One memory in particular was brought up and fondly remembered by all of us there. Soon we had a vision for this year’s family gathering. All those in attendance offered their services and wanted to contribute to the event. We had a vision statement, people were offering to contribute and participate. No one, however, offered to bring food! Yet this is one Christmas gathering I am now looking forward to.

  1. Plan
     
    Once the vision is clear and the talking has started, planning helps. Tradition will tell you what to bring and how to react. This can lead to last year’s leftovers. Here’s what I mean by planning. Remember - nothing just happens. You, the host or hostess, want everyone to eat together. That is the vision. You have shared it and are now planning it.  But here’s the problem. Every family has someone who always comes late so instead of letting it get to you and frustrate you, plan for it. State the vision, talk about it, and plan for it.  Tell your people supper is at 5 p.m. when you really want to start at 6 p.m. Plan an activity from 5 to 6 (Google has many ideas). Then, when the latecomers show up at 5:30, everyone is having fun. They can jump in and dinner is served as planned for at 6:00. If they are still late, stick to your plan. I haven’t yet been at a family dinner where we ran out of food.
     
    If none of this helps and if all things fail in your holiday plans, find a quiet place to be by yourself and take a moment to remember good memories rather than the problems which can come up when families get together.  

Have a great Christmas!
 


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5/13/2016

grief journey

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So you have probably figured out our son died. He died March 12, 1994 at the age of ten. And yes I know what you are likely thinking. How did he die? I will save that subject for another day. Today I want to focus on those things which triggered the traumatic memory all over again. It could be a birthday, or an anniversary. All these events will bring back memories of a past death. It’s the unusual events that I would like to address. We learned this principle very early in our grief journey.
                The funeral service was over and our daughter wanted to go home, there was support for her there, so our driver took her home. Little did we know a drama was about to unfold. Our neighbour noticed the funeral cars coming home and realized we were all making our way home, and there was quite a lot of us. It also was supper time, so she went down stairs to get some potatoes for her supper. Like all household accidents, it happened so innocently, she dropped one coming up the stairs stepped on it tripped and broke her hip. She did an amazing thing, she told her husband do not call the ambulance the Halls are coming home. He did not hear the “do not “part. Well in a small town this would become extremely dramatic. All the EMT staff and police staff who were on duty for our sons accident were on duty. I later would learn all of them were in shock as soon as the call came in. Our daughter had just gotten home and the sirens and lights were in full force, she would later say it was worse then when her brother died. She immediately started to hyperventilate, and it was all happening again. I later learned there were three nurses in the house at the time and she was fine.
                We arrived shortly after that. As we were coming home it became painfully obvious this was our new life. There was always going to be things which will bring us back to that tragic day our son died. And yes, still some 20 years later things so innocently can bring us back to that day. We have learned to call them Mathew moments. They are intense, they last a short time, yet they are a part of our lives. Sometimes they are hard to identify but usually not. When it happens we embrace it and give ourselves permission to express our pain.
                Grief anniversaries do happen, embrace them, let them remind you your loved one was once alive and so are you. I am going to wipe some tears away, and go live another day.

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    About the Author

    ​My name is Peter Hall.  I've been involved in counselling for over 40 years and recently launched Safe Place To Grow to meet the needs of my clients.  There are two things you should now about me;  I am passionate about helping people, and I hate computers.

    I am going to be posting stories from time to time that speak to some of the challenges that my clients or I have faced over the years in the hope that sharing them will help you or help someone in your life. 

    Please feel free to share these posts. 

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