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survival tips for family gatherings
 
SURVIVAL TIPS FOR FAMILY GATHERINGS
 
Well, it’s official.  We’re in the Holidays. And here’s another ‘How to Survive the Holidays’ blog. Go ahead – scream! Yet, maybe, this one can encourage you.
 
This is not about grieving through Christmas, or how to deal with all the broken relationships. No. I would rather tackle the traditions of Christmas. So go ahead and scream again.
 
In a non-scientific poll, I asked people what they thought about how to cope through the three sacred festivals (Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter). Here are a few comments that came up:

  • Power through it
  • Remain calm at all times
  • At least I get a free meal
  • Accept it and carry on
  • Drink just enough to get you there and just enough so you can stay
  • And, last but not least, have a designated driver so you can leave.
 
The last is my favorite. The designated driver, that is.
 
It also dawned on me that two of these holidays are supposed to be sacred, and I didn’t get one sacred comment on how to manage the holidays, such as “pray before you go”, etc.
 
So then, how do we cope with traditions and culture which seem to be practiced but not understood? Here are some thoughts.

  1. Have a clear vision.

This applies well to families. Identify clearly what you are looking for. Write it out, or at least tell someone. I had a family share that the best Christmas dinner they ever had was hot dogs. Yup.  On Christmas morning, they piled onto some snow machines, went out for at least an hour, made a camp fire, had lunch and came home. I asked why. They said they wanted to do something different for Christmas as a family and they had a great time. The vision statement was short, descriptive, and obtainable.

  1. Talk about it.

That’s where the excitement about the event comes from. Talking is not so much about what to bring but rather what your vision of the event is. If that is not talked about, then people don’t know how to contribute and are left guessing. And guessing leads to misunderstanding and well - you can see where this can go. Here’s a personal example of how my family and I have planned our Christmas this year. We had some family members come over to our home recently, and we started talking about memories from Christmases past. One memory in particular was brought up and fondly remembered by all of us there. Soon we had a vision for this year’s family gathering. All those in attendance offered their services and wanted to contribute to the event. We had a vision statement, people were offering to contribute and participate. No one, however, offered to bring food! Yet this is one Christmas gathering I am now looking forward to.

  1. Plan
     
    Once the vision is clear and the talking has started, planning helps. Tradition will tell you what to bring and how to react. This can lead to last year’s leftovers. Here’s what I mean by planning. Remember - nothing just happens. You, the host or hostess, want everyone to eat together. That is the vision. You have shared it and are now planning it.  But here’s the problem. Every family has someone who always comes late so instead of letting it get to you and frustrate you, plan for it. State the vision, talk about it, and plan for it.  Tell your people supper is at 5 p.m. when you really want to start at 6 p.m. Plan an activity from 5 to 6 (Google has many ideas). Then, when the latecomers show up at 5:30, everyone is having fun. They can jump in and dinner is served as planned for at 6:00. If they are still late, stick to your plan. I haven’t yet been at a family dinner where we ran out of food.
     
    If none of this helps and if all things fail in your holiday plans, find a quiet place to be by yourself and take a moment to remember good memories rather than the problems which can come up when families get together.  

Have a great Christmas!
 


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6/21/2016

what do I say?

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In times of grief or significant loss, it can be difficult to find the right words of comfort to offer the bereaved. Often, we don’t know what to say, or we say too much – sometimes putting our foot in our mouth and wishing we could take it out!

Having suffered a traumatic loss in my own life, let me share with you two personal incidents I experienced that I believe may be helpful. In both cases, the person or persons said nothing, yet their silence spoke volumes.

The first incident occurred the day before the funeral of our 10-year old son. Although our hearts were heavy with grief and shock, it was a beautiful day – sunny and warm. I took something into the garage and then just sat down on the back steps of my house. I heard someone call out from the front, `Is Peter in?’ and the response ‘He’s in the back.’  When he came around to the back, I saw that it was a colleague from another church. He sat down on the steps with me. All he said was ‘Hi.’ A few moments later, another colleague joined us and then another until there were five of us – just sitting on the steps with the warm sun comforting us. No words were spoken. We sat on those steps for thirty minutes and then they left. For the first time since the loss of our son, I felt that someone was there - helping us to carry the load. No words, no coffee, no food were needed. Just a willingness to sit with me in my grief. This moment in time is etched in my memory forever. I don’t remember a lot of words that others spoke to me during this time, but I remember these gentlemen. Their silence and just their presence spoke louder than words ever could.

The second incident occurred several months after our son’s death. One Sunday morning, my wife, Annette, and I arrived late to church. Sitting in the back row, we hoped no one would spot us. After the service was over, Annette was suddenly overcome with grief, tears streaming down her face. People were leaving the church, at a loss as to how to respond. I sat still in my seat, hoping no one would come to talk to us. An older woman, whom I had seen in the church a few times but had never been introduced to, came and sat beside Annette. She did not utter a word. She just sat and stayed until the room was empty, then got up and left. I would later enquire as to who she was but the people I asked did not know.  Her act of silent compassion left an impression on me that, to this day – over twenty years later - I have not forgotten. There were no words – just her presence.

If you know someone who is going through a difficult time of pain or grief, go and sit with them. Don’t feel like you have to offer any great words of wisdom. Just sit with them. It may feel awkward at first but, from my own experience, I believe it will have a comforting and lasting impact.  
               

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    About the Author

    ​My name is Peter Hall.  I've been involved in counselling for over 40 years and recently launched Safe Place To Grow to meet the needs of my clients.  There are two things you should now about me;  I am passionate about helping people, and I hate computers.

    I am going to be posting stories from time to time that speak to some of the challenges that my clients or I have faced over the years in the hope that sharing them will help you or help someone in your life. 

    Please feel free to share these posts. 

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