what do I say?

In times of grief or significant loss, it can be difficult to find the right words of comfort to offer the bereaved. Often, we don’t know what to say, or we say too much – sometimes putting our foot in our mouth and wishing we could take it out!

Having suffered a traumatic loss in my own life, let me share with you two personal incidents I experienced that I believe may be helpful. In both cases, the person or persons said nothing, yet their silence spoke volumes.

The first incident occurred the day before the funeral of our 10-year old son. Although our hearts were heavy with grief and shock, it was a beautiful day – sunny and warm. I took something into the garage and then just sat down on the back steps of my house. I heard someone call out from the front, `Is Peter in?’ and the response ‘He’s in the back.’  When he came around to the back, I saw that it was a colleague from another church. He sat down on the steps with me. All he said was ‘Hi.’ A few moments later, another colleague joined us and then another until there were five of us – just sitting on the steps with the warm sun comforting us. No words were spoken. We sat on those steps for thirty minutes and then they left. For the first time since the loss of our son, I felt that someone was there - helping us to carry the load. No words, no coffee, no food were needed. Just a willingness to sit with me in my grief. This moment in time is etched in my memory forever. I don’t remember a lot of words that others spoke to me during this time, but I remember these gentlemen. Their silence and just their presence spoke louder than words ever could.

The second incident occurred several months after our son’s death. One Sunday morning, my wife, Annette, and I arrived late to church. Sitting in the back row, we hoped no one would spot us. After the service was over, Annette was suddenly overcome with grief, tears streaming down her face. People were leaving the church, at a loss as to how to respond. I sat still in my seat, hoping no one would come to talk to us. An older woman, whom I had seen in the church a few times but had never been introduced to, came and sat beside Annette. She did not utter a word. She just sat and stayed until the room was empty, then got up and left. I would later enquire as to who she was but the people I asked did not know.  Her act of silent compassion left an impression on me that, to this day – over twenty years later - I have not forgotten. There were no words – just her presence.

If you know someone who is going through a difficult time of pain or grief, go and sit with them. Don’t feel like you have to offer any great words of wisdom. Just sit with them. It may feel awkward at first but, from my own experience, I believe it will have a comforting and lasting impact.